142 – Autopsy / The Examination

A complicated life one leads, eh? I have not made it easy for myself, though the most interesting part of it all is fixing the little things that will result in something improved, or if not, more balanced.

Sadly, no artwork again for this update, as I still need to purchase a new graphics tablet. Fear not, as I hope to get a new one in a couple of weeks! Also, HOPEFULLY BY THEN I will have internet at my new base of operations so then I will be a lot more liberated and have much more time to spend doing the things I have not been doing for months, plus start on new things from this month. I am getting whatever sewing skills I had back and enjoyed it with a side dish of Stargate, so hopefully, I will have a new learned craft by the end of the year…I hope!

This leads me more towards goals somewhat – one of which having been established in the last paragraph, wanting to develop the craft of making things, preferably items of clothing. I find clothes fun and interesting, plus there is a wealth of knowledge to be had in this particular art, so I am really looking forward to developing the skills to make or even repair garments. Another would be to fulfil my transition, which has been going well so far, though one still has to iron up some areas, develop in others and understand more about the unique situation currently presented. I will say that I am a lot more at ease and I think a lot less now compared to when I was a stress-bomb waiting to explode and there is no explaining how I feel now. It is a much better feeling – a lot of things are clearer now and whilst I have to endure a manner of different feelings from others and still have to make some big choices, the most important thing is that most of my feelings internally have improved and liberation has pretty much been achieved.

The interesting thing I find with all of this is that I am essentially starting from zero – re-introducing myself and trying to understand and get used to things again one step at a time, not pushing myself too hard or jumping head-on into something I need not be part of. It is easily the most difficult part of everything, as I want to try and do as much as I can (STILL), though I have to know restraint and do things at a pace that I can manage. A lot of my experiences so far already have proved to be helpful to me – especially the more recent tough ones – though I have a lot more to come. Of course, I am liking the development of my image of which makes me happy every day, but until I get to lounge around with the same level of happiness, I still have work to do!

*sigh*

As you can imagine, it is never too much fun seeing others do things in a way that you would have liked in your life, but there is little one can do about that – maybe one will obtain it in so many years? Maybe not – fortunately, I am really quite happy with myself and just aim to learn and improve in the areas I want to the most – one of the worst feelings is growing in a fashion one does not wish to and knowing that others may not fully understand how that person feels (even more when you do not have someone who you can talk to) so all you can do is get on with it, knowing full well that your very world will get turned upside-down, Bel Air style (or not).

Though to be honest, it seems like doing things on the solo can be better. You rely less on other people and you get to build your relationships with others based on things other than the things of which may trouble you, so you think less about the issues and more about living your life. Not a lot of people will fully understand an individual regardless of what they do, so amping it up into something massive is not really the way to go I believe…I have learnt the hard way and really, there is not much I can do about it right now. It is still a largely upsetting thing for me and I hope in time that area will see some serious patchwork.

In any case, I am happy with me now that I am almost where I wish to be, just need to get productive as I have not been for a very long time and it is totally shit. You end up thinking about too many things when you are not doing the things you enjoy or in a position where you do not feel ready for anything. I cannot wait to start making stuff, drawing more and of course, shopping and travelling. I have a number of goals I aim to achieve – some of them are processing, just need to get paid for the other ones to follow suit…

*SIGH BECAUSE I FUCKING – HATE – MONEY*

And yes, I like being tall. I cannot have many things already, so I am having my long legs.

Also, I think I have some thanking to do – largely close friends in London, the one awesome chick I met at that club some months ago (YES YOU, I WILL VISIT) and the people at work.

Mainly because you all make me feel like I am alive – and perpaps the most inspiring people I know.

So yes…hopefully back to art updates in a couple of weeks. Who said life was easy – it just happened to get a lot more intriguing…

…and fun. Yessssssss~

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